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Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
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Communicate Reality

By: Thomas Lee Abshier, ND

 

Communication is based upon reality.  This world was created by God, and it exists outside of and independent of our personal perceptions, opinions, judgments, and convictions.  When our personal perspective coincides with the absolute reality, we often find that life works better.  With a proper concept of reality, we can judge more accurately where to apply forces to make desirable changes in life.  Likewise, when we have an emotional reaction to life,

 

Be clear and specific in your communication.  Avoid vagueness.  Objective reality is the foundation of all human interactions.  Until we have clarity about the other person’s reality, we base relationship upon faulty foundations.  

 

Be realistic, factual, and reasonable in your statements.  Avoid the exaggeration and minimizations reflected in phrases such as "always” and “never.”  

a) Humans generalize, delete and distort reality to fit their beliefs about life and manage the complexity of reality.  

b) Continually question, confirm, and readjust your assumptions about other people, the rules of life, and how things should be done.  People often misunderstand motivations and project their own upon your actions.  Be forgiving of their violations of your mental space, and oppose their misjudgment with kindness and gentle correction.

 

Test your assumptions about people.  Ask questions to determine their accuracy.  Ask for others to repeat back what you have spoken if: 1) you have an indication that they are opposing you for unknown reasons, 2) it appears their attention was diverted, 3) after you speak, they tell you their perspective, pain, and story in a manner that is combative, minimizing, rationalizing, excusing, or off topic.  

a) When establishing rapport, repeat back (mirror) what others have said, and include your assumptions in the mirroring.  This will implicitly disclose your assumptions and allow your conversational partner the opportunity to confirm, modify, or deny them.  

b) Look for plausible alternative interpretations to the words used in a command, request, or disclosure.  Avoid acting until you have clarified the single intended meaning.  Do not follow orders or go along with a crowd if you do not understand or support the outcome of the effort.  

c) Each event can be seen from many perspectives.  Habitually challenge the assumption that other people see things as you do, that you are right and they are wrong, and that the leader understands the full scope of the situation.

 

Listen to feedback: Your family members and close friends know you and have insights about your behavior, habits, and life-assumptions that may be invisible to you.  Be humble and sincerely consider their input, coaching, and judgments.  Embrace their constructive criticism, and avoid the protective tendency to reflexively dismiss, deny, or rationalize away their observations.  Carefully examine their comments about your habits, demeanor, methods, judgment, ethics, and world view.

 

Sincerely Consider Criticism: Avoid taking criticism too hard.  Do not react to criticism with covert punishment, sympathy inducing rationalizations, and passive aggressive victim-declarations such as, “I know, I’m such a terrible person.”  Instead, let people know that you have placed their statements in proper ownership by saying, “It sounds like you feel I need to make changes in this particular area of my life.  Am I correct?  Tell me what you see that I could do or be, that would make my life work better.”  Their criticism does not make it true, but if their criticism is true, their statement does not condemn you to a lifetime of failure and low accomplishment.  A wise man uses a true confrontation as a prod toward excellence and change.  The errors and habits of the past are only as meaningful as we give them power to be in the future.  False statements do not affect your True honor and God’s judgment of your character.  Look to God’s standards of Truth and God’s approval first, accept man’s judgment only if it is True.

 

Avoid Generalizations: Avoid generalizations that extend a particular failure to condemning the entire character.  Avoid criticizing or excessively exalting God-given characteristics which cannot be changed by will or reasonable effort such as beauty, skin color, physical and mental abilities.  Be modest about God-given gifts, properly attribute the glory to Him, and appreciate the compliments that recognize your efforts to enhance and grow these gifts into greater maturity.  

 

Avoid interrupting and changing the subject before a topic is fully understood and acknowledged.  Avoid directing the conversation away from uncomfortable confrontations that may expose character deficiencies.  Avoid focusing excessively on self in speech, thought, and deed.

 

Communicate Disagreement: Courageously and humbly express disagreement.  Relationship contracts based upon feigned agreement establish false expectations and produce disappointment.  Communication is the planning and enrollment stage for action.  Humans disclose desires and aversions of the soul with verbal and nonverbal communications.  Without accurate data, false assumptions will be made about the situation and the needs, desires, and reasons motivating another person’s thoughts, speech, and actions.  Negotiating without knowing a person’s foundational drives reduces our ability to proactively propose options that may also satisfy their needs.  

 

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