Living life with grace & harmony

 

Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
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Naturopathic Physician

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The Love Bank and Love Busters
By: Thomas Lee Abshier, ND

 

1) Romantic Love: The ideal of married relationship is to continually experience the feeling and joy of romantic love.  Romantic love is a state where mistakes are easily forgiven.  Partners are willing to overlook character flaws, and expect that experiences will eventually be better.  Love expects that there is a commitment to change to meet needs and produce satisfaction.  This faith is based on a belief in the basic good character and desire of the beloved to produce a satisfying experience for him/her.  Love expects that sacrifice in meeting needs will be mutual, fair, and rewarding.

2) The Love Bank: The Love Bank is a subconscious capacity of the body-mind which keeps track of relational violations.  Each time a love-destroying behavior is performed, the feeling of romantic love diminishes.  Pleasant Thoughts, Speech, and Actions (TSAs) produce love unit deposits in the love bank.  Painful TSAs produce love unit withdrawals.  

3) Love Busters: The behaviors that cause a withdrawal of deposits from the love bank include: 1) Selfish Demands, 2) Disrespectful judgments, 3) Angry outbursts, 4) Annoying Habits, 5) Independent behaviors, and 6) Dishonesty.  Each of these habits disconnects the heart from a love, respect, trust, and need-meeting relationship with God and our fellow man.  God loves us regardless of our sin, but if we stray from His standards of perfect relationship it separates us from our connection with Him.  The Father can only look upon perfection, and it was for this reason that Jesus died, to pay the price and remove the barrier between God and man.  But, humans must do their part to embrace the actions and choices of behavior that reflect Godliness, which in turn connect the hearts of humanity together in mutual appreciation.

4) Giver versus Taker: The psyche has two very different states of relationship that bias the mood toward unmet needs – the Giver and Taker.  1) “The Giver” gives unconditionally without thought for the needs of self.  2) “The Taker” takes without regard for the needs of others.  The Taker uses abuse as a tool to get what it wants, considers it justified, does not recognize it as abuse, and calls it justified.  

5) Intimacy, Conflict, Withdrawal – the steps of marital degeneration:

a) The first state of marriage is Intimacy because at least one spouse is giving without the thought of fairness or self-satisfaction.  This is a blissful and joyous time because of the extreme state of need-satisfaction in new love.  The Giver will sacrifice and meets the needs of him/her, seemingly without judgment or keeping score.  But in fact the Taker is keeping score and when the imbalance of giving and taking is sufficiently extreme, the Taker rises up and says, “No, I want my needs taken care of too.”  There is no problem with asking for fairness.  The problem is when the request for fairness is abusive.  Again, any intent to cause pain to produce change and fairness we shall define as abuse.

b) The second state of marriage is Conflict, which happens when at least one spouse falls out of the state of Giver, becomes the Taker and demands unconditional self-satisfaction of needs.  Conflict is acceptable, and in fact necessary to the extent that the self must have its needs considered and satisfied fairly.  The Taker is that polarity of self-desire that personifies the God-given desire to take care of self.  The problem comes when the Taker uses abusive tactics to meet those demands.  Abuse eventually precipitates a retaliatory strike by the other spouse.  This will continue until there is peaceful resolution by negotiation or going to the next state of degeneration of love.  The love busters: of Selfish demands, Annoying habits, Independent behaviors, and Dishonesty irritate the Giver.  The Taker senses the dissatisfaction of personal needs and may then react with the abusive responses of the love busters Angry outbursts and Disrespectful judgments.  The most extreme forms of retreat from joyful marital love include: abuse, adultery, and addiction.

c) The third state of marital love-degeneration is withdrawal, which comes because one or both spouses have given up having their needs met by conflict, and instead retreat to the relative peace of emotional withdrawal, physical separation, or divorce.

d) The fourth state of marriage is recovery and resolution, but this only happens when the needs of each spouse has been met, while eliminating the love busters in all their forms.  

6) Abuse is any intentional hurt of your spouse, even to give him/her a lesson to illustrate the pain.  Speak your truth with love.  If it isn’t heard, then take it to the next level of authority, a group of peers.  If it isn’t heard at this level of confrontation, then take it to the elders (counselors).  It’s not our job to administer punishment for violations, since vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord.  Owe no man anything but to love.  The parent child discipline by using the rod is a different situation than the adult-adult pain.  Disciplining children by providing mild pain in the case of rebellion is an expression of love.  The boundaries and consequences of life must be taught to the child to instill the inward knowing, recognition, and honoring of the immutable edge of nature and God’s Law.  Abuse is both a temptation and a sin.  All non-loving behavior is sin.  Addiction is the worship of another god, expecting that it will provide the satisfaction.  Confronting sin in a demanding, commanding, proud, superior, or self-righteous way is abuse.  Whining and using the guilt-posture of the victim is abuse.  Withdrawal of affection is abuse.  Abuse is any technique, method, strategy of training, or retaliation to sin by purposefully applying pain.  In the adult-adult relationship, abuse is never justified.  In the case of threatening behaviors, separation may be necessary.  In the case of actual violation of boundaries of body and health the violation should be turned over to those in authority for prosecution of the violation.

7) Roadblocks to Resolution: Much of the interaction of disturbed relationships starts with statements in the general form of, “I’m offended by that action, word, tone of voice, or attitude.”  The other party then responds with the same statement but with different content, “I’m offended by your words, tone of voice, attitude and/or actions.”  This type of interaction has no easy end resolution because the two parties are both in a state of high activation, offense, and many of the love busters are in play.  To begin with, it is impossible to produce a long-term solution with one person capitulating to the demands of the other offended party, although it may be helpful to defuse the crisis of the moment.  But if both parties don’t come to mutual enthusiastic agreements about changing the angry outbursts, independent behaviors, annoying habits, selfish demands, dishonesty, and disrespectful judgments that caused the disturbance, then the day of conflict and resolution has simply been delayed.  When mutual offense interactions occur, it is best to follow the sequence:

a) 1) Take a time out, 2) write down your upsets, 3) forgive the violation in prayer, expect that God will handle the violation and administer the justice, and then return to the discussion with love, 4) choose one specific item of offense that is important to you in the current upset, 5) clearly identify the objective elements of the upset: the words, actions, gestures, and/or attitude/thoughts, and describe the sequence of events leading up to the moment of offense, 6) Note what specific part of the Thought, Speech, or Action (TSA) was painful.  7) Describe fully why this incident or sequence was painful.  How did you first learn to react and feel pain with this type of TSA?  What do you fear will happen with this type of TSA?  What are the memories of this type of TSA?  8) What type of TSA do you want instead?  

b) When both of you have spoken and been understood on the 1) specific offense, 2) the pain and reasons for the offense, and 3) the desired changes in TSA for the other person, at that point you can begin to negotiate for a commitment of change by the other person that will work for both of you.  And since both parties are usually offended at the same time, both parties should make commitments to do their part of the change.  The principle of Mutual Agreed Change keeps the sense of fairness in place, and both parties will feel relieved that their needs will be met.  

c) At that point, follow-up is required.  Write down the commitment in your Journal of Relationship Notebook on a Commitment to Change Worksheet (put a tab on that section).  Ok to make the journal entries continuous and linear for ease of entry.  Or, if you are willing to commit the time to this project, then you can make a “Commitment Worksheet” to summarize all commitments made.  When there are violations of that particular commitment, then it on a separate page and begin to list all the violations.  The offended party records each time 1) the commitment was violated, 2) the specifics of the violation, 3) how severe a violation it was with a 0-10 rating, and 4) the date of the violation.  Record each violation of the commitment.  Review each other’s journals regularly, e.g. every day, when the other asks for it, at a weekly meeting to discuss the issues, or when the other leaves the book open as a signal.

d) The resolution to the conflict is fair, respectful, mutually caring negotiation of needs.  In a proper resolution of conflict, both parties end up feeling their needs have been met.  The beginning of resolution is by commitment, and then by the manifestation of observed Thoughts, Speech, and Actions that reflects that commitment.  Follow-up accountability to the commitment is necessary because offenses are usually habitual.  Ideally, the consequences should be no more than simply the pain of confronted failure.  The response to failure should be simply, “I’m sorry, I didn’t live up to my commitment.  I’ll renew it.  I’m committed to the change and I will continue trying to do the new behavior.”  

e) Confrontation of Error and Assignment of Responsibility – strengthening the stand of the true victim: All situations of conflict do not necessarily involve two people with equal levels of sinful perpetration.  One person may be more “wrong” than the other.  One person may truly be a victim of bad, wrong, and sinful behavior.  But, the victim may still have a great deal of work to do in terms of changing subtle traits of character and habit.  

i) As a victim, I may need to be more patient in my faith producing fruit.  

ii) I may need to be more compassionate for the limitations of the other and realize there are in fact some changes which will not change short of an overt strong miracle (e.g. mental, emotional, and physical handicaps).  

iii) I may need to speak more kindly, express my feelings and judgments of offense with more ownership, and confront in a tentative manner rather than with harsh statements of absolute condemnation.  

iv) I may need to learn to be more effective in completely forgiving and cleansing my soul of the debt of the offense and truly let God handle the justice.  

v) I may need to be more faithful in crying out with fervent prayerful intercession for the offender’s healing and transformation of character.  

vi) I may need to be less of a codependent, facilitator, enabler of bad behavior out of fear, unworthiness, habit, or payoff.  

vii) I may need to come to a more certain conviction that the offense truly was wrong.  

viii) I may need to be fearless in the face of potential retaliation and confront addiction, abuse, adultery, and the love busters in a forthright and kind manner.  

ix) I must embrace the fact that I am being a blessing by confronting and challenging the sin in his/her life.

x) I must adopt the healer’s commitment to apply a therapy which may hurt for a moment but will produce long-term resolution and health.  

xi) I must be willing to put on the parental role when dealing with sin, knowing that all who sin are immature, and that I must be courageous as the defenses of the offender’s fragile ego may rise when confronted in their sin.  

xii) I may have to let go of my false sense of unworthiness to confront because I likewise have sin in my life, “So who am I to judge?”  

xiii) I may have to overcoming a false understanding of scripture which sounds like we should never judge anything as wrong, “Judge not lest you be judged.”

xiv)  I may have to be more forthright in asking for change.  

xv) I may have to learn to speak and confront with different phrases that make it possible for the offender to receive it.  

xvi) I may need to exercise patience, persistence, and faith in eventual fruit in the pursuit of confronting the bad habits of character, personality, soul, mind, and spirit.  

8) Selfish demands: Any request for fairness stated in the form of a command, without enrolling the Taker can be abusive.  A request for fairness in taking care of household duties after a hard day’s work is not abuse.  But, it is abusive to demand, command, call names, complain about unfairness, nag or irritate to get compliance, or use sarcasm and ridicule to demean the behavior.  Unfairness need not be tolerated, bypassed, overlooked, or spiritualized.  The fact is that we are to love neighbor as self, not more than self or less, which means that satisfaction of my needs are on a par with the satisfaction of your needs.  I have every right to request my needs be fulfilled, but no right to use abusive soul force in any form to demand compliance with my request.  Establish the reality, feelings, and reasons for the requests by using the OFNR sequence of establishing rapport (see below).  Negotiate the two competing requests by the four options to mutual enthusiastic agreement.  Replace selfish demands with thoughtful requests.  Point out selfish demands, retract, apologize, and then restate as a thoughtful request.  Keep a notebook that lists the selfish demands made by spouse.  Selfish demands are defined by the recipient, not by the intent of the speaker, restate them when identified.  If they were not in fact selfish demands (as intended by the speaker) then use personal disclosure of motive, and restate the request in a way that feels like a respectful request to the listener.  Write thoughtful requests in your notebook, there is no restriction on the number or content of thoughtful requests. The his/her notebooks may be read by the other spouse, initialed and dated when read on an ongoing/daily basis, or may be reviewed weekly in a discussion.  A thoughtful request is the beginning of discussion about alternate options.

9) Disrespectful judgments: Don’t punish your spouse for complaining about disrespect.  Appreciate the feedback.  Use Respectful Persuasion instead of Disrespectful Judgments.  Use thoughtful consideration to examine his/her perspective.  Disrespectful Judgments are always wrong.  The comment may not have been meant as disrespectful, but until it has been perceived as respectful it will withdraw love units from your love bank.  The goal of discussion is to resolve conflicts and avoid love bank withdrawals.  Disagreement can and will exist in a marriage, but in a good marriage, disagreement is experienced in the context of being fully loving.  Loving fully and deeply requires us to go to the level of appreciating the essence of the person, the original self.  The abstract concepts of ideas, politics, and philosophies are secondary considerations, discussed as interesting points of perspective that we share in the process of living a life together.  We all want agreement in all areas, but the love of the essence of the other must be superior in its consideration to agreement.  The concrete aspects of body such as physique, beauty, youth, and health must likewise be subordinated to the mystical appreciation of the inner man.  Disparate activities, which are not shared as common passions such as housekeeping, hunting, car repair, sewing, collections, sports, must be discussed, shared, and appreciated as interesting life perspectives.  The choice of a mate places one in the unavoidable position of learning to love, and sharing in a vicarious and participatory-experience with your mate.  Respectful Consideration, and Respectful Persuasion are keys to a happy, joyous shared life.  Agreement is optional, respectful consideration is not optional.  The key posture of relationship about differences and conflict is “Respectful”.  This word implies that the other person is worthy of understanding, knowing, “getting and grocking” their perspective.  All speech in the relationship should be from the posture of respectful consideration.  From this perspective love arises.  The procedural methods of resolving differences in attitude, thought, speech, and behavior can be the following.  

a) Express your conflicting opinions to each other with respect and understanding.  

b) Explain why you feel your opinion is in your spouse’s best interest.  

c) Suggest a test of your opinion.  Act it out for a week.  See if he/she can get used to the new thought, speech, and action (TSA)?  

d) Try it again, or drop it for a reasonable period of time and try to live with the difference, really appreciating the person inside even though the TSA is different that what I consider best or right.

e) Give your spouse the opportunity to persuade you.  Try out doing it his/her way.  See if you can learn to accept, love, embrace this new TSA that he/she wanted you to try.  

f) Ask the following questions of yourself, and him/her.  Rate the strength of each answer on a 0-10 scale.  The higher the score, the more love units are lost with each infraction, and this can drop the relationship to loveless-ness.  

i) Does your spouse ever try to straighten you out?  

ii) Does your spouse ever lecture you instead of respectfully discussing issues?

iii) Does your spouse seem to feel that his or her opinion is superior to yours?  

iv) When you and your spouse discuss an issue does he or she interrupt you or talk so much it prevents you form having a chance to explain your position?  

v) Are you afraid to discuss your point of view with your spouse?  

vi) Does your spouse ever ridicule your point of view?  

g) Again, there is a line of acceptable negotiated acceptance; abuse, addiction, and adultery are never tolerable, and should never be adopted as solutions.

10) Annoying Habits: Every habit that is annoying diminishes love and should be eliminated.  1) Identify the annoying habits.  2) Eliminate the easiest ones first.  3) Work on three of them at a time.  4) Determine why the habit is there: a) when did you begin, b) what is the reason you began it, c) what are your reasons for having it now, d) how do you feel when you use this habit, e) how does your spouse feel when you do it, d) when you try to avoid doing this habit how do you feel, e) why didn’t it work, f) what makes reducing this habit more likely?  5) Create a plan to overcome the habit.  6) Measure your progress.  7) Overcome the next 3 on the list.  The offended party should keep track of the offenses and document your progress.  

11) Angry Outbursts: Any of the Love Busters (Selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, independent behaviors, angry outbursts, and annoying habits) can be the trigger for an angry outburst.  Anger is an emotion that seeks to change the other person by inflicting soul pain.  Angry outbursts are one method of control, exerting force, and manipulating the other person to Think, Speak, Act (TSA) in a way that is pleasing to my soul.  Angry outbursts are deliberate attempts to cause pain.  The key concept is using force to cause pain.  All change requires force, but force with love, respect, caring, mutual embrace and appreciation of the process of change is required to produce love units.  Angry Outbursts are a type of annoying habit, but they are so painful, destructive, and common that they deserve their own category.  In the process of extinguishing the Angry Outbursts consider using the following sequence: 1) Identify the instances of angry outbursts and their effects.  A) On a scale of 0-10, which represents points on the scale from “no unhappiness” to “extreme unhappiness”, what is the level of reaction to the angry outbursts, B) How often do you experience an angry outburst?  C) How are you attacked by an angry outburst?  D) What way of being attacked causes the greatest unhappiness?  E) When did you experience your first angry outburst?  F) What is the trend in frequency of angry outbursts?  Increasing or decreasing?  G) How do recent angry outbursts compare with the past?  2) Understand why the angry outbursts take place.  3) Try to avoid the conditions that trigger angry outbursts.  4) When you cannot avoid conditions that trigger angry outbursts, find an individual or support group to help you learn to control your temper under those conditions.  5) Measure your progress.  Marriages must have a zero tolerance for angry outbursts.  Angry outbursts are a temptation, and to execute them requires making the choice to follow and act out the temptation.  Safety is the base level, non-negotiable consideration in marriage, and angry outbursts reduce the zone of safety, and may precipitate physical harm or death.  Risking death, as a method for meeting selfish needs, is an unacceptable gamble.  The irritating behaviors of the spouse never are the cause of angry outbursts.  Irritating behaviors trigger unpleasant thoughts and feelings, and a desire to immediately stop the pain.  And of course, one of the options is the temptation to use the quick fix of exerting the soul force of anger to cause retaliatory pain.  Commit to resist the temptation of angry outbursts.  Angry outbursts are only acceptable in cases of emergencies that threaten life.  Leave the situation if the trigger and temptation is strong – excuse yourself and release the pressure of anger by the prayer of forgiveness.  Discuss the issue and come to a negotiated mutual enthusiastic agreement, and then work on the acceptance and habit of doing the new plan.

12) Independent Behaviors: The goal of marital relationship is a fully interdependent relationship that nurtures and protects the other.  Independent behavior is present when one or both spouses are living a part of their life as though the other does not exist.  Consider the analogy of a life having many rooms, which may include: career, friends, entertainment, relaxation time, finances, relatives, housework, education, volunteer activities, dining, drugs, physical intimacy, child discipline, etc.  When the various options of life become so interesting that the consideration of the other is totally pushed out, then that behavior has fallen into the category of “independent”.  Interdependence includes inviting the other into every room of your emotional-activity house, and considering the needs of the other as to the activities, time, and attention filling that room.  Radical honesty should be included as the underlying context of all discussion.  Full disclosure is the foundation, and mutual enthusiastic agreement should be present in the solution.  All activities in the present and future should be revealed and discussed, with schedule and contact information always available.  Negotiate agreement, 1) discuss personal perspectives in a pleasant environment and manner, and take a time out (to pray, forgive, reflect, and center yourself) if the discussion becomes heated, 2) repeat back, and insure mutual understanding of the other’s position, 3) clearly identify and define the point of disagreement, brainstorm on solutions together, (and when away, keep a notepad to jot ideas down during the day), and 4) come to a mutual enthusiastic agreement, and do nothing if you can’t come to agreement.  Create compatibility on a daily basis to remain and build in love.  Search for a lifestyle of mutual enjoyment.  

13) Dishonesty: Marriage must include radical honesty as a component of thoughtful requests.  The areas of life which must be disclosed with radical honesty include, 1) feelings, 2) past experiences, 3) present activities, and 4) future plans.  Honest revelation reveals the facts of the situation, which in turn can be solved by discussing options and coming to fair conclusions.  Honesty provides a window into the soul, which allows the feelings of love to grow simply because of the transparency of the connection.  Radical honesty leaves no loopholes; there are no situations where dishonesty is allowed.  Honesty delivered with abuse (e.g. angry outbursts or selfish demands) is never acceptable.  Confession of past weakness allows strategies erecting defenses against future perpetration.  Dishonesty breaks trust, closes the window to soul-communion, and prevents the solution of problems, which results in constant re-offense in the same area.  Dishonesty can appear in four major forms, 1) Protection, 2) Looking good, 3) Avoiding trouble, and 4) Compulsion.  

a) Protection lies are told to keep from “hurting” our mate with the truth/fact of our disappointment.  These lies prevent us from knowing the status of the relationship, and the need for corrective actions to deposit love units, and make new enthusiastic mutual agreements.

b) Looking good lies are told to exaggerate accomplishments, hide failures, and create a false appearance of personality.  

c) Avoiding trouble lies are told to escape the consequences of ethical failures, and violations of contract.  A lie about a lie covers the original, and when cornered, the avoid-trouble liar excuses himself by blaming the victim as being the cause of the lie.

d) Compulsive liars have a personality disorder; they lie for no reason, engage in the most extreme deceptions, and feel no remorse or conviction.  The compulsive liar can only be healed by a miraculous restoration of the soul.  Marriage to a compulsive liar will be an endless series of betrayals.  

Solution: Prayerful intercession can be part of the healing and miraculous transformation of heart of the compulsive liar.  The victim of the compulsive liar must become skillful in almost instantly releasing the pain of the violation by giving the debt to God for His repayment.  The compulsive liar can change, but the transformation usually requires a deep personal commitment.  Healing psychopathology requires admitting the problem, and embracing the truth.  Submit yourself to God, resist the devil, and he will flee.  Knowing the standard of righteousness allows one to say “no” to the temptation.  Every time the pathology expresses, look for the underlying reason.  It may simply be a feeling of “I like to lie” or “I felt like it”, or “It was a sudden urge.”  These are the temptations, they are the internal triggers, and they may be nothing more than a fleeting thought, but thoughts and feelings are the subterranean precursors to action and speech.