Living life with grace & harmony

 

Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
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Christian Counselor

Naturopathic Physician

Political Philosopher & Author

 

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Portland, Oregon

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Mutual Agreement

By: Thomas Lee Abshier, ND

 

The ideal of each transaction in marriage is mutual enthusiastic agreement.  This relationship is the only transaction outcome which easily and naturally gives us full natural satisfaction.  But, given the difference between people’s tastes, interests, desires, beliefs, perceptions, and abilities, most people must accommodate the other person’s need.  

 

Incompatibility: The two most common “life askew” conditions are having little time together, or little common interests.  

 

1) Little time together: This happens commonly in the current age of rapid transit to distant work locations, dual income households, high demand careers, and the desire for upward mobility.  Other situations take people away from their time as a couple, such as: elder care, child care, military service, or jobs which are inherently “away” jobs like truck driving and fishing.  The structural problems of some situations cannot be resolved easily because of complicating factors and pain that results from the decisions.

 

2) Little in common: Because of the nature of humanity, it is easy to find oneself attracted to another person by traits that are more attractive to the long term benefits to the growth of the soul by conflict, than soothing to the long term desires and habits of the heart.  Thus, when the anesthesia of romance dies, we may find that long term considerations of habit, nature, and way of being are significantly mismatched.  The solution to interest incompatibility is solved best by personal transformation, but the trump card is always developing an open heart to the world of the other, and appreciating it from the distance of a lover who actually is interested in everything his beloved says, does, thinks, or feels.  Such a solution is radical, and is almost in the realm of the miraculous, nevertheless, it harkens back to the situation of dating where love caused all things in him/her to look beautiful and fascinating.  Pray for the miracle, put yourself in that state of trying to be interested, repeat back, listen, try to put on the actual feelings of being in his/her world and why they would like it.  This exercises the heart, and adding prayer to it open the possibility of miraculous transformation.

 

Having discovered the incompatibility with your mate, the challenge is to come to a place of actual happiness, even though there is much actual friction and disparity between wants and natural performance.  In such cases, a couple may experience the joy of marriage by applying the strategy of making do.  

 

Making Do: When a marriage is populated by two very different personalities or life situations, ideally the couple will make the best of it by fully appreciating what they do have.  They can push against the boundaries of the difficulty by trying to spend more time together, and/or developing a taste for sharing and participating in the other’s interests.

 

Little Time Together: Separation: The disconnection in life proximity, and shared experience may include only sleeping together, having breakfast at the same table, or occasionally getting a phone call from far away.  In this situation, to satisfy the conditions of a joyous marriage you must choose to experience actual joy in these small, brief, or superficial encounters.  And when alone, it is necessary to truly satisfy yourself in various mental, emotional, and relational substitutes.  When he is home on those rare occasions because of work, he should express his love passionately, and she should appreciate the little time together with a fully open heart.  And, for the long term solution, try to move the life situation toward a condition that allows for more time together.

 

Little In common: The tastes and abilities may be sufficiently far apart that many individual needs are not satisfied by participation in activities of mutual enjoyment.  The resolution of this condition is to first learn to be satisfied by the few common interests you have together.  Fully fill yourself with the experience of togetherness and satisfaction during that time of common experience.  When the two of you share time, but few interests, then choose to enjoy hearing him/her speak.  Revel in her presence, see her beauty, enjoy her life, and draw her out in her expression.  Listen to her, be interested in whatever is her fancy, and simply appreciate her happiness.  To successfully utilize the “Making Do” strategy, you must keep vigilant in using the tools in the entirety of this book so as to exhibit as many positive relational strategies as possible, and eliminate the negative behaviors.  The “Making Do” strategy can produce happiness if the positive behaviors are implemented and the abusive, negative, love-buster behaviors avoided.  

 

 

Sainthood Strategy: An entirely different approach is required in the presence of abuse which never ends.  We shall call that this approach the Sainthood Strategy or Path of Radical Acceptance.  This path is required when a spouse does not have any desire to be righteous, Godly, and follow the Guidelines of right relationship.  

 

a) Abuse: In the case of continued abuse, we must follow the path of Godly personal satisfaction.  Do your duties, and be in a constant state of praise and thanksgiving for the miracles and blessings of life.  Be in a constant state of praise and joy for the miracle of life, and having the privilege of serving a valuable role in God’s creation.  Be in a constant state of recognition that “all things are working together for good.”  Rejoice in the privilege of just serving, living, and giving in God’s world.  Pray the prayer of forgiveness, and intercede for healing and God’s righteous, proper, and merciful discipline of the offender.  

b) Chronic Illness: The Sainthood Strategy is also necessary when a spouse is physically, mentally, or emotionally disabled or ill.  The bottom line in such circumstances is that life and relationship will not be fair.  Carrying more of the load, or constantly forgiving abuse, may be all that is possible in such circumstances.  In such cases your final refuge for happiness in marriage is the path of Sainthood.  Realize that there is always an element of sainthood involved in even the best relationships, since life and relationship will always include elements of unfairness, pain in reaction to unintentional abuse, poorly delivered requests, and unmet needs.  These minor violations must be framed as part of the human condition.  The deficiency must be filled by the faith that the happiness we desire will eventually come in the flesh, or ultimately in the spirit.  The one outcome of which we can be sure is that we will be satisfied eventually, and to a greater extent the more our commitment to righteous behavior and sacrificial service if that is required.

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