Living life with grace & harmony

 

Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
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Christian Counselor

Naturopathic Physician

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Non-Violent Communication
Commentary on the Work of Marshall Rosenberg

By: Thomas Lee Abshier, ND

 

1) Non Violent Communication (NVC): This theory was presented using the philosophical perspective of Mohatmas Ghandi.  This strategy of conflict resolution depends on the theory that a non-judgmental response, where good and evil are not imputed, allows for a conflict-free discussion of a situation.  Using this theory to guide communication works very well, to a point, but it fails when there is an actual embrace of evil, hurtful intention, and commitment to dominate or enslave.  Such perspectives, regardless of how sincerely believed, must be opposed.  

a) Christian Framing of NVC: Really knowing another person’s perspective, without being emotional and demanding, truly does create the atmosphere for a non-defensive exchange of ideas.  Fully understanding another person’s perspective is required before attempting to produce change.  A gracious, accepting, and compassionate understanding produces such a deep sense of alliance, rapport, and connection of hearts and lives.  Mutual understanding gives us the sense that we are a team, that both of us are in this together so that we can both meet our individual needs.  It is not necessary to eliminate the evaluation of Good and Evil to produce understanding, non-defensiveness, and alliance in solving the need of the speaker.  In fact the resolution of need can go deeper if the need of the speaker can be determined to be evil.  When one holds a moral position that defines Good and Evil, it is easy to be repulsed by evil, judge it, fight it, and try to eliminate it.  In fact, such a response is natural and appropriate.  But, the problem is that we are not God, and we may be right or wrong in our judgment of evil in this situation.  It is best to make sure that we have fully understood the situation that another person finds himself in before attempting to enroll him in a new perspective of life.  When I confront what I believe to be wrong with another adult’s belief system and actions, I should not use a strong statement of “truth” to change the other person’s mind.  Beliefs are very personal, in that they are generated from within and based upon a broad spectrum of life experience and teaching.  When I want to change another person’s mind and correct his thinking and moral structure, I must attempt to do so with a great deal of caution, respect, and reason.  In general, people will not change their moral judgment until they are convinced that an alternate position is True and confirmed by the evidence of Scripture, life experience, personal feeling, and reason.  Thus, fully understanding the basis for a person’s “wrong” action is necessary prior to having any real hope of having them make a change.  Patience is required to listen, understand, and enroll a person who is “wrong”.  The Non-Violent Communication OFNR protocol (below) is a powerful method of making sure that the other person’s full reality is fully absorbed before attempting to change him to “Right” thinking.

2) OFNR: Forming a common reality depends upon creating a common understanding of: 1) Objective experiences, 2) Feelings present, 3) Needs and reasons for the feelings, and 4) Requests for the future.  Understanding a person’s reality is required to feel bonded, have compassion, and negotiate to agreement the intent for common action.  OFNR is the acronym to remind one to always fill in the contents of these four fundamental processes that comprise reality: 1) Objective reality, 2) Feelings about objective reality, 3) Needs or Reasons why I feel this way about objective reality, and 4) the Request for a new objective reality.  

a) Objective Reality: Base your conversation on clearly defined objective reality by specifying the place, time, people, and objects involved.  Describe the movement of people, objects, words, and ideas to give concrete reality to the scene progression.  Give your story perspective by: describing the historical and political context, the economic and human suffering consequences at stake, and the moral dilemmas involved.

b) Feelings give life its significance, and they give an indication of the values, needs, reasons, and desires that motivate a man.  Make an effort to understand why others feel and act as they do, and avoid the temptation to quickly say, "You shouldn't feel that way."  

c) Reasons define why we act as we do.  Needs are the desires that are so important we cannot remove them from our lives without seriously compromising joy and survival.  Wants are the desires that give added fulfillment, but the satisfaction of other wants, or their occasional satisfaction, is sufficient.  Avoidance of emotional pain stimulated by current life circumstances, that reminds us of past circumstances, can be a want or need.  Habits, abilities, disabilities, beliefs, goals, and values all comprise elements that compose our “reasons” and lie behind the body-soul sensations we define as feelings.  

i) Excuses are a type of reason.  They give sequence and context understanding to a behavior, but are typically give self-administered forgiveness for error or abuse.  Often the excuse is delivered with a tone or attitude that is meant to trump or negate the hurt of the other.  Implicit in this retort and defense is often an implicit demand to accept the validity of the reason, or a demand for the offended party to admit error in feeling offended or disappointed.  The proper response to error is admission of error, apology, and commitment to future right behavior.  The proper delivery of an excuse is given after a sincere, heart felt apology for causing hurt.  That is the bottom line, that marriage partners should be totally committed to not causing hurt, whether intentional or unintentional.  

(1) Upon realizing that I have hurt you, the first statement should be, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  The sincerity of this statement, the contrition of the heart, the commitment to not produce pain, should be a soothing salve of comfort to the disappointment and hurt of the error, assumption, or misunderstanding.  

(2) Then I ask, “Would you like to know what I was thinking?”  

(3) The answer is, “Yes I would.  I’m sure you weren’t trying to hurt me for no reason.  I felt hurt, and I need to know that you want to have your needs met by a method other than causing me pain.  What was going on inside you that caused you to act or speak like that?”  

(4) Give a factual explanation, filled in completely with a full OFNR elaboration of the rationale that led to the hurtful speech.  The reasons may be habitual reactions, a sense of unfairness or powerlessness to get needs met, a sense of entitlement that all my needs should be met at all times, or an extreme reaction to an adverse circumstance based upon irrational beliefs.  Whatever the reason behind the abuse, there is no excuse that makes abuse acceptable.  

(5) Restoration after abuse: Abuse is forgivable, and according to the Bible, should always forgiven.  (Matthew 18: 21  Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"  Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.)  Forgiveness is easy to say, but hard to feel.  A commitment on the part of the offender to never repeat the abuse, plus visible, concrete changes in habits, makes forgiveness on a real and heart felt emotional level much easier.  Consistently changed behavior over a long period of time allows for a sense of trust to reappear.  Honest mistakes while trying to change, are more understandable and easier to forgive than mindless repetitions without effort or evidence of sincere effort to change.  Trust and warm relationships depend on two people having hearts which are willing to change, and desirous of change, to meet the needs of their mates, and of pleasing God in abiding by His commandments.

d) Requests fill the purpose of asking our marriage partner for future TSAs and circumstances that satisfy our needs.  Requests imply that something is missing in the present that does not satisfy us.  When requesting a need be met, do it with a heart that is asking for a gift, not demanding service.  “You have not because you ask not, and when you ask, you ask amiss.”  So, ask for what you want, but ask in the right way.  

3) Agreement and mutual participation are foundations of a fulfilling marital relationship.  Shared areas of interest, conversation, and activity include: a commonly shared vision, values, goals, activities, conversation, and friends.  But, 100% agreement between two people is impossible.  So in the areas where there is disagreement and pain, engage in conflict resolution to reach mutual enthusiastic agreement in the disputed TSAs.  

4) Conflict Resolution: Conflict occurs any time two people are committed to occupying the same space and expecting satisfaction of their desires in that mutual experience.  The four possible resolutions to conflict include: 1) Compromise, 2) Alternation, 3) Capitulation, and 4) Separation.  

a) Compromise: give and take a little on both sides, resulting in a mutual activity that both find acceptable.

b) Alternation: trade doing the desired activity.

c) Capitulation: completely give in to the request to always or never do the activity.  

d) Separation: both do the desired activity, but in different locations.

5) Negotiation: Fill married life with as many commonly appreciated activities, conversations, and values as possible.  Resolve conflicts of requests by negotiating agreements that produce a pattern of long-term fairness.  In conflict, chose solutions that include a proper split between capitulation, alternation, separation, and compromise.  

a) None of these solutions is ideal simply because points of disagreement are inherently about unsatisfied needs, and all these solutions will produce a cost to one person, both, or us.  Remember that when a need is unsatisfied, and one or both feel diminished in their joy, the quality of the relationship, the created synthetic 3rd person of “us” is diminished in its happiness.  Thus the need for enthusiastic embracing of a solution that is “as good and fair as possible”.  Fairness dictates that giving turns to taking, and vice versa.  

b) Taking should not be pursued as the ultimate measure of benefit, since giving and sacrifice are joyous experiences in themselves.  The balance between giving and taking must be maintained and monitored by the internal scales.  But the account balance can swing strongly without eliciting an upset when there is the feeling of romantic love actually present in the heart, and when the requests are gentle and the service appreciated.  

c) The disputed issue must be resolved in a way that embraces the solution with a fully giving and loving spirit, during every conflict.  If you have capitulated or alternated as a solution to the conflict, and are spending time doing your mate’s favorite activity, this may not initially be natural or pleasurable.  Above all try doing it, and participate with full involvement of mind and heart.  To change your attitude and interest, pray for a miraculous change of heart.  

d) An imbalance of any one of these solutions may cause its own problem: 1) Chronic separation eliminates relationship, 2) Chronic and excessive capitulation imbalances fairness.  3) Chronic compromise can cause us to forget about pursuing deep satisfaction, and 4) Alternation without an attempt to develop an appreciation of the other’s experience tempts us to go to sleep or simply endure the times of giving.  

e) Embrace each acceptable solution with mutual enthusiastic agreement.  Give as much as you get.  Give what you want to get.  Ask for what you want.  Ask nicely.  Give appreciation for gifts.  Cheerfully give what delights the heart of your mate.  Do not do anything that causes your mate pain.  There is beauty and pleasure to be found in all of life’s expressions.  

Develop a taste for, and proper framing of, the bitter expressions of life such as conflict, disease, poverty, pestilence, and death.  Keep your exposure to the negative side of life to a minimum.  Educate yourself how to handle these states by reading and discussion.  Deeply process the meaning of negative experiences and look for the positive outcome that will arise from the painful times of life.  Look to how they benefit to your character and understanding of life, or how a collateral positive outcome has arisen because of the experience.  Resist the temptation to attribute every bad thing that happens to your bad luck or a curse.  But, be open to taking responsibility if clear intended or causal connection exists.  Carefully avoid the temptation to become addicted to the negative emotions such as fear, anger, greed, pride, and lust.