Living life with grace & harmony

 

Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
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Christian Counselor

Naturopathic Physician

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Portland, Oregon

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Prescription for Happiness
By: Thomas Lee Abshier, ND

 

1. Ask for what you want, but don’t demand it.

2. Accept whatever happens, for now.

3. Turn up your love, even if you don’t get what you want.

 

Ken Keyes, who is a New Age writer, gave these three prescriptions.  The words are not Christian phrases, but the truth is the same.  Speak the truth in love.  Ye have not because ye ask not, and when you ask, you ask amiss.  Who can change even a hair on his head.  Repay evil for good.  

 

“Ask for what you want, but don’t demand it.”  We all want to have our needs met.  That is the nature of being human.  The problem with needs is that the person next to me wants his needs met too, and his needs may conflict with mine.  But, the satisfaction of his needs is just as important as mine.  If everyone asks for their needs to be met, we can sort it out and make the choices fair over the long run.  Make your requests known and negotiate for mutual satisfaction.  Don’t worry about being rejected, appearing selfish, or choosing wrong.  Just throw it out there, and see what happens.  Sometimes you’ll win, and sometimes you’ll lose, most of the time it’s a mixture of the two.  Just be happy with what you get and enjoy it.  Look out for the other guy who doesn’t seem to be asking for his needs; include him, and really care if he gets his needs met.  Focus on the other guy more than yourself, but don’t forget, or be afraid, to ask for your needs.  Demanding is a statement of power, authority, and expectation that is usually not appropriate in most relationship interactions.  Request is the more appropriate term.  Allow people to give you your needs; don’t take the things you need by intimidation, threats, and power.  That is more like theft, and it isn’t as satisfying.  Control and power requires more tension, vigilance, posturing, and effort.  Gifts come from a relaxed and caring love.

 

Accept whatever happens, for now.  This is a restatement of the tautology, “What is, is what is.”  Reality is what happens now, and it can’t be changed.  Don’t fight reality, it can’t be changed because once the present happens, it is already here.  But, that’s obvious, and the thing that we want to do is to change the course of current events.  While sometimes it’s important to exert force and stop the current situation (a car coming toward a child, etc.) but most situations of interpersonal interaction have no threat to survival whatsoever in them, they just don’t satisfy our current needs and desires, and we want it to be different.  Those are the kinds of things to resist being upset about, and relax into accepting them, for the time being.  There will be another time, another day when you can get your needs met, it just may not be now.  The other big trigger is, “It feels like they always get their way, and I never get my way, and I’ve had it up to here with this abuse and the unfairness of the relationship.”  When things are imbalanced for a really long time, you probably haven’t been asking for what you want, or asking in the right way.  If the bully, taker, selfish, self-centered person in your life simply doesn’t care about you, then it may be time to bring in more force into the situation.  Bring an ally, a counselor, pastor, boss, friend, parent, judge, or anyone who has more power and authority than the perpetrator and ask him to judge the situation.  Present the mediator with the facts as you see it, and the same with your friend/mate/etc. and ask for an opinion about the fairness of the situation.  Remember, that the perpetrator may intimidate the mediator, so there is no sure cure by one intervention.  If you keep trying, the perpetrator will eventually be tamed unless you succumb to the victimization.  But, the point of this prescription was to appreciate the moment, even if you have been treated unfairly, because if you are committed to fairness, and asking for what you want, and exerting a proper and loving force to have your needs met, it will all work out fine eventually.

 

Turn up your love, even if you don’t get what you want.  This prescription is meant to be a salve to your soul in a selfish and unfair world.  People will often ignore or oppose your needs even if you ask for what you want and make yourself known.  Turning up the love means feeling connected to the rest of humanity, caring for their welfare, having sympathy for their selfish, sinful, and idolatrous drives that direct their lives.  Even though people appear as spoiled and selfish brats, every human has a spark of loveliness and Godliness inside which is inherently loveable.  Focus on the inner beauty and perfection inside each man.  Allow the feeling that comes from such a focus to overtake your heart.  Resist the temptation to focus on the ugly flesh drives of humanity, and strive to see that inner essence of Godliness instead.  Focusing on others, caring for them, having sympathy for their condition will make you beautiful and desirable.  When you give and love, people will want to be around you.  Loving people will bring out the best in them, although some people need tough love.  Some will see the love, care, understanding, and acceptance and try to destroy anything beautiful.  Evil is convicted by beauty, care, and righteousness.  It may be necessary to endure a season of resistance.  Be willing to give the gift of discipline, but do it out of a place of caring rather than revenge or retaliation for victimization.  All thoughts, speech, and action should be based on love, which in turn is based on Godliness.