Living life with grace & harmony

 

Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
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Therapeutic Conversation
By: Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
 

1) Therapeutic Conversation: The ideal relationship meets the needs of both husband and wife in the many arenas of interaction where the spouses share the various process of life.  Two people in relationship will probably have widely different emotional responses to the vastly varied possibilities of life experience.  When good feelings arise, little needs to be done other than to celebrate the love.  But, when painful feelings arise, the situations where difference and reaction occur must be explored.  The exploration should identify the point of focus where the reaction occurred.  Intervention must include making changes agreeable to both.  One of the options for change can be to change the context of the circumstances.  

a) Example: In the progress of normal relationship, both spouses listen to the stories about each other’s lives.  Each should show proper reaction, acknowledgment, participation, and be interested in the content and significance of the topic.  But, some conversations will produce reactions that break affection, reduce rapport, lessen the sense of bonding, and reduce the feelings of love.  When this happens it is best to examine the interaction to determine the point of disturbance.  

b) Open the topic of “I felt hurt” gently after finishing the current interaction, and trust that your needs will be met eventually.  As adults, we must learn to accept delays in gratification and wait until the point in the flow of relationship where it is my turn and the balance of listening credit has shifted in my favor.  With that timing preparation in place, use soft startup with phrases like, “Would this be a good time to talk about a hurt I felt a moment ago?”  By doing so, you have honored the other person’s space, and asked if you could enter into it with something that might be painful for them.  This gives him/her a moment to defend his/her soul against pain by various healthy strategies (perspective, context, righteous judgment, and transformation).  By asking for permission, a behavioral precedent is established that informs your partner of your commitment to their comfort in the process of confrontation and change.  This develops trust, and the sense that defenses only need to be applied at intervals, rather than all the time.  Likewise, that vigilance need not be applied constantly because there will be a warning given when potentially painful battles of the soul may arise.  When there is a consistent warning before confrontation, the soul can relax its vigilance against ambush and unexpected attacks.  Thus, warning and asking for permission for confrontation allows for a more general state of relaxation in relationship.  

c) If your relationship partner has agreed to confronting an issue, then fully elaborate the context and specifics of the emotional pain using the framework of the OFNR sequence (Objective observation, Feelings about/in the situation, Needs that are stimulated, and Request for future behavior).  The Needs aspect includes, “Why I was motivated to act, speak, and think as I do.”  Exploring this portion of the emotional reaction is especially important because it allows for discovering irrational beliefs that motivate action, thoughts, and feelings.  There are normal expectations and beliefs about how life should be, and there are unrealistic expectations about life, circumstances, relationships, self, and others.  The upset may be realistic, in which case the offender should agree to develop a new and more soul-soothing behavior.  This should resolve the upset quickly.  But, when there is an irrational belief under the reaction, the person holding it must make a commitment to replace the belief with a healthier belief system.  And, he should vow to resist reacting in the inappropriate and habitual manner.  It takes time to develop a new thought, speech or behavior habit.  But eventually with a sincere desire to put on the new behavior, and enough practice, it will eventually come.  In the process, there will be failures.  Be compassionate and supportive of the person trying to change.  Gently remind when the old habit comes.  Continue to forgive and give support while the habit is being built up to the level of  “good enough”.

d) Throughout the entire process of confronting the modest offenses and irrational beliefs, every transaction must be done in a state of connected rapport.  Confrontation about things that may need to be changed should be tentative and the modest offender and/or irrational believer should be enrolled in changing the behavior or belief as part of his personal desire.  The Change steps should be clearly defined, implemented in action, and dwelt upon in thought for an extended period of time, until these new beliefs/behaviors become ingrained habits.  Even then, it is important to be aware that old habits can resurface, so vigilance against those behaviors must be executed.

e) The hurt that initiates this entire process may be a normal drop in the sense of soul satisfaction due to defects in perfect conversational protocol due to minor offenses (i.e. lack of perfect love) such as drifting attention, interrupting, disinterest, flat affect, poor eye contact, lack of acknowledgment, mirroring, and repeat backs.  It may be due to stronger offenses such as sarcasm, mocking, covert hostility and blaming, projecting victimization, guilting, shaming, attribution of low motives, distrusting, withdrawing, and anger.  All of these offense shall be classified under the term of modest offenses as opposed to the egregious offenses such as battery, theft, rape, murder, and adultery.  The modest offenses will each produce a level of perceived pain, but it will vary depending upon the person.  The natural pain felt by the soul due to the imperfections of life is modulated by Beliefs about the seriousness, significance, and meaning of the offense.  This issue is overtly addressed in the ABCD model of emotional reaction.  If there is an extreme reaction to an Activating event, but it was objectively only a modest offense, then this is a strong indicator that there is an irrational belief in play.  Likewise, if there is a continued reaction to the offense after the offender has made adequate commitments to move toward behavioral change, this is another indicator that there is an irrational belief acting to amplify the soul reaction, and thus increasing the intensity of the emotional Consequences.

f) Having noted the excessive emotional Consequences of a modest Activating event, the next step is to properly identify the Irrational Beliefs of the ABCD Sequence.  It may require professional help to identify an irrational belief, but most of the time a lay couple can explore the situation, ask each other questions, and speculate using tentative phrases like:

i) “When did this start?”  “What is it that you do are afraid of?”  “What thoughts come up in your mind when you have this stimulus?”  “What does this situation remind you of from your past?”  “Does it seem realistic to respond this strongly?”  “Has this reaction been going on a long time or it is new?”  “Have you ever made a vow that you would never let something like this happen again?”  

ii) Exploring the context surrounding the reaction, and attempting to get an insight about the reason for the irrational belief, provides a wonderful opportunity for marital closeness, working together to solve a problem of common interest with high stakes for marital happiness.  The underlying irrational belief may not be identified, but at the end of the search, the couple can pray together that God reveal its identity.  The topic can be brought up again later and explored more.  Counseling, reading, and talking with friends may all give valuable insights as to the issue at hand.  Remember that identifying the irrational belief is not the same as eliminating it, but identifying it may actually give some relief.  Instead, focus on producing a high quality of relationship experience while on the journey to perfection.  The work toward solving the problem of personal pain (stimulated by the relationship) can be enjoyable when done with the attitude of serving and mutual help.  Appreciate the efforts of the facilitator and be patient in the spouse relationship; realize that no one does intervention and confrontation perfectly.  Be realistic about the possibility of perfection in meeting needs, softening painful confrontation, giving accurate and appropriate insight and lessons of life, appropriately sequencing and timing the intervention, and in general meeting the needs of a spouse.  Our intermediate goal on the journey to effective and pleasurable intervention is “good enough”.  Until we reach perfection, we fill the gap between good enough and perfection with forgiveness and compassion.  This allows us to maintain trust, which is the belief in the good intentions and character of our relational partner.  Resist the temptation to attribute harmful purpose until there is clear indication of such a commitment.  As long as there is the possibility of establishing a normal, trusting relationship, stay in close relational proximity, and frame the interaction as subconsciously driven reactions, habitual patterns established to cope with the pain and maximize pleasure.  The subconscious well of emotional reactions and associations can be capped, drained, redirected, and cleansed.  The deficiencies and errors of habit can be reprogrammed by choosing new behaviors to embed as automatic behavior.  Structural deficits such as mental deficiency or physical defect may not be mutable, and as such should be accepted and embraced as part of the facts of the relationship.  Any rebellion against facts is futile and the more capable person must come to peace with the fact of the deficiency.

g) The next step is to Dispute the irrational belief.  The most important part of this step is rapport, since the person possessing the irrational belief will easily respond defensively in response to trying to remove it.  

i) Asking questions such as, “It appears that you believe “x”, is that true?”  “What is the benefit you get out of believing and acting on that?”  “What is the cost to you of believing and acting on that?”  “Is the benefit worth the cost?”  “Do you want to change?”  

ii) These questions provide him with a public and caring forum to objectively examine his beliefs, and then the opportunity to make a change and use the support of the caring person confronting his irrational belief.  

 

Change includes opposing the temptation to act and feel based upon the irrational Belief, and replace it with a more rational belief, and act based on that new more rational belief.  

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