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Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
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Violation of Contracts
By: Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
 

1) Contracts: When we promise to do or not do something, we make contracts with each other.  The contracts establish: 1) the specifics of the performance, 2) the time limit, 3) the persons involved, and 4) the consequences of compliance and non-compliance.  Contracts are constructed of static words applied to a dynamic circumstance.  Contracts are a type of law, and hence may require interpretation of the words and their applicability as context and situational specifics can modify appropriateness.  The contractee must perform his duties according to the letter of the law, but that letter should always be modified and trumped by the spirit of the law.  The enforcer must likewise judge compliance according to the letter and spirit of the law.  Contracts establish goals of performance, but personal limitations, and external obstacles modify what is possible and reasonable.  Thus, both contractor and contractee must modify behavior and judgment according to realities of the moment.

i) Examples of Contracts: Household chores to be done daily or weekly; requests for quick assistance; house projects with multiple steps and a long timeline; house projects requiring time and effort but can be done in a day; eliminating annoying habits; always or never doing something again; starting new pleasing habits, changing personality type and traits, developing a new skill, and completing a degree.

b) Non-Compliance: When the terms of the contract seem inapplicable to the situation, and the person believes there should have been an exception, often he will unilaterally decide that the contract should be disregarded in this situation.  In such gray or disputed areas, one person may think the contract is applicable, and another that it is inapplicable.  Unilateral, non-negotiated noncompliance may lead to feelings of betrayal, distrust, anger, and retaliation.  But, the appropriate response is to note the facts of the non-compliance and obtain agreement and acknowledgment of the facts and confession of the breakdown.  Mutually understand the feelings: 1) by the contract breaker that contributed to him breaking the contract, and 2) inside the person disappointed by the contract breaker.  Mutually understand and acknowledge the reasons behind and contributing to the breakdown.   Examine the details of the breakdown for indicators of additional smaller goals of behavior modification to add as details and sub-goals of the contract.  Come to agreement on the new more detailed terms of contract compliance.  Commit to compliance, and attempt to successfully execute the terms of the contract.

c) Justification: The non-compliant party usually has a reason why he chose not to comply with the contract.  The reason may be strong (valid and justified), such as danger to life, or weak (an excuse) such as, “I was tired, didn’t want to do it, I thought it was unfair, or I forgot.”  The word “justification” means that the reason for non-compliance was strong and valid, and no rational person would judge it as motivated only by self-interest.

d) Excuses: Weakly plausible explanations for failing to keep a contract, used in attempt to hide the actual reasons for failure which may include character weaknesses in the face of temptation.  Such justification for failure have acquired the pejorative title of “excuses”.  In other words, a man will typically make an excuse when his will is too weak to resist the temptations of pleasure, and push through the resistance of pain.  The sluggard and coward will break his contract to avoid the discomfort of performing his duty and reroute his attention to more pleasurable (or less painful) activities.  Avoidance of pain and pursuit of pleasure rise to the top as major motivators for breaking contracts.  The contract breaker knows, at least on some level, that his honor and standing as a man of character would be tarnished if he had purposefully violated a contract of word and trust.  So, to maintain the aura of honorability he may then attempt to hide those ignoble traits of character by presenting a smokescreen of plausible reasons for non-performance.  But, these are only diversions meant to prevent the exposure of his selfish alter ego.  Again, the word “”excuse” is applied to the apparently “reasonable justification” given by a person who breaks a contract, when in fact his motivation was based upon fulfilling his self interest, rather than sacrificing to meet the terms of contract expected of a man of honor, word, and character.

e) Renegotiation: When the contractee (the person committed to performing an action) sees a situation where he believes that non-compliance with the contract is appropriate, the most trust-building way of changing the terms of contract is to confront the objections directly with the person to whom he is responsible.  Talk about the problems, and renegotiate the specific terms of the contract prior to breaking it.  

i) If the immediacy of the situation does not allow for meetings and discussion, then be sure of your motivation, do the right thing, and then inform the party of the change at the earliest convenience.

ii) Developing and maintaining trust in character and motivation are at stake in each performance of contract.  Was that the motivation for unilateral change the terms of contract based on a commitment to keep the spirit of the contract?  The desire to avoid pain and pursue pleasure is always present, and may seduce us into improperly choosing to break a contract.  This plays against the fact that almost every contract may be performed under conditions which would make its performance unwise.  

iii) Thus, the person who listens to the reasons for non-performance must be open to the possibility of justifiable non-performance.  The reasons for non-performance should be heard and considered sincerely, repeated back, and truly received into the soul and felt in a way that allows the listener to fully say, “I understand”.

f) Pain of Contract non-Performance: When she has been hurt by the non-performance, and emotions arise of betrayal, anger, and bring up a desire to retaliate or act out emotionally, then it is important to instead just say, “I felt hurt” rather than acting out or expressing extreme emotion.  There are times for extreme emoting, but if these come up frequently, there is probably an underlying subconscious program that is giving added emotional pain stimulus to the situation.  In such cases, a more in depth view of life should be pursued to reprogram those subconscious triggers.

i) Response to unintentionally inflicted pain: “I’m sorry dear, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  It is important to let the offended person know that you had no intention of harming her purposefully.  Do not use intonation that implies that, “she should get over it, get off my back, it isn’t that big a deal, you should just forgive me, and you are violating me by this huge reaction.”  Instead, say, “Would you tell me about how I hurt you?”  Acknowledge her pain.  Repeat back to let her know that you understood.  Ask if you spoke it accurately.  Ask if she felt like you really understood and felt her pain.  Keep listening, repeating back, and feeling her until she says, “Yes, I believe you understand and feel my position.”

ii) Prayer Time Out: If emotions are high and she can’t talk, then take a “Prayer Time Out” to return the emotions to a ground state of peace.  Ask if it is OK to take a PTO (and of course the answer is “Yes”).  Go to another room, or sit quietly, mediate, and pray the prayer of forgiveness, which includes the prayer of justice and the prayer of mercy.  Stay in the PTO as long as you need.  Make a commitment to come back as soon as you are in a grounded, centered, peaceful emotional state.  It might take a few minutes, few hours, or longer, but getting to that grounded state of peace is critical before continuing on.

iii) Subconscious Discharge: There are times when a person’s emotions may be stimulated to a high level, and he is not able to relax from this highly activated state.  During such episodes, just listen; hear the description of the pain, acknowledge the extreme emotions, and hear the pain.  Draw out the specifics of the current offenses; ask about how this offense reminds you of the past.  Look for how the current situation triggered associations with painful past experience.  The emotion may be from subconscious memories that are inaccessible, and little specific data and memory may be available for conscious recall.  Acknowledge that all emotional reaction is logical in the sense that a sequence of stimuli produced the final emotional outcome.  But, the reaction and level of emotion may be inappropriate for the level of threat, violation, or pain present in the current situation.  God’s perspective provides the standard for judging normal or appropriate emotional reaction to the current situation.  An excessive reaction to a stimuli may indicate the presence of past pain, subconscious programming, and denial or compartmentalizing of the psyche.  The process of reintegrating these fractured parts into the whole of a person’s psyche may be a lengthy process.  The traumatic programming can resolve when the fractured parts understand God’s perspective of the violation.  It was wrong and painful, but God was there, and is here now.  Our lives are not our own, and some forces cannot be resisted, while others can be escaped or combated.  Safety and pleasure cannot be assured in life.  Relax into the fact that life has both suffering and victory.  Know that painful emotions are normal in violation and disappointment, but that they should be of appropriate and normal intensity and duration.  Resist the temptation to excessive emotional response, and tell the truth about the level of threat and violation.  Ask God to reveal the subconscious hurt, vows, programs, and the corresponding incidents behind the excessive emotional reactions.  Trust that God wants the best for you, and that faith and works together activates and enables God’s miracle power.  Trust that all the bad events of the past will work together to produce a blessing now and/or in eternity.  Continue in the “prayer of Forgiveness” until the emotions of anger, fear, and sorrow have been transformed by faith in God’s justice and mercy, and only a Godly peace, love and compassion remains for the perpetrator.     

iv) Prayer of Forgiveness: Go to God and give the evidence of the hurt and injustice.  

(1) Evidence, Points of Law, Connection of evidence with law, and Conviction:

(a) Evidence: Be specific and complete about what happened (objective evidence).  Elaborate fully how it hurt – describe the painful feelings which give evidence to the fact of violation and spilled emotional blood.  (Note that “spilled blood” refers to the metaphorical bleeding of the soul that corresponds infliction of any pain.)

(b) Points of Law: Cite the principles of moral law that define this behavior as a violation.  Quote scripture as your authority.

(c) Connect evidence and Law: Tell God why the law was violated by these actions.  Connect the spilled blood with actions that caused spilled blood, and cite the law against spilling blood.

(d) Conviction: Leave the conviction to God.  Let Him know that this is your best judgment of the situation, but that you are humbly standing in deference to His judgment.  

(2) Prayer of Justice: Ask for God to administer justice.  Pray for the release from any desire for vengeance.  Speak against the spirit of vengeance.  Say “No” to the spirit and use your own authority to resist and cast out the spirit of vengeance.

(3) Prayer of Mercy: Ask for mercy instead of the strong punishment that God could choose to deliver.  Ask God for a miracle in creating righteousness in the mind and heart of the perpetrator.   Intercede and truly pray for the righteous transformation of those who are wrong headed in their thinking and hearts.  Remember that God desires “obedience not sacrifice.”  Jesus prayed for those who crucified him, “Father forgive them for the know not what they do.”

g) Developing New Habits: After having really understood why she was upset, it must be reestablished that he wishes to keep the contract.  ***

i) Restate the terms of the contract:

(1) Recommit to the spirit of the contract.

(2) Make the contract more specific: Remake the contract to specifically include the situations where an identified breakdown may occur or has occurred.

ii) Analyze the breakdown: What were the factors involved in the failure?  The causes of the breakdown could have been: forgetfulness, improper priorities, old habits, or selfishness.  Do a post-failure analysis every time there is a failure.  Explore, discuss, brainstorm, pray, use your intuition and feeling to determine why there was a failure.  Be a team, work together, and ally forces in attempting to discover all the causes.  Be brutally honest in your analysis.  The breakdown in one party of a marriage is a problem for two people, so the investment is high in solving the problem together.  The solution should be a mutual agreement of desired future performance rather than a solution being imposed upon the violator.

iii) Confess the Violation (and personality/character flaws) to God: Clearly own the fact that “I did xyz which was in violation of the contract”.  (1 John 1:9  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.)  ***

iv) Confess your violations to Man: Confess your violations and flaws to someone, preferably the person you have violated.  (James 5:16  Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.)  Truly, new behaviors need to be established.  Confession allows God to forgive me, and it makes it easier for people to forgive me.

v) Invalidate the Excuse: Clearly state the reason that “justified or excused” the violation.  Examine it closely, and identify the erroneous application of the excuse that justified breaking the contract.  Truly feel in your heart that this excuse was in fact invalid.  Continue to go over the issue until you can clearly say, “Yes, I violated this particular contract.  The excuse used to justify the violation was invalid.  I want to change my habit so that this excuse is never used again.”