Living life with grace & harmony

 

Thomas Lee Abshier, ND
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Christian Counselor

Naturopathic Physician

Political Philosopher & Author

 

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Portland, Oregon

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Christian Psychology

 

Guidelines for Communication & Personal Growth

Developing Relationship and Life Skills

Meeting Soul Needs

Understanding the Structure of the Mind and Creation

Living in Harmony with God’s Design

By: Thomas Lee Abshier, ND

9/27/2008

 

Preface: Foundational Premise

 

(James 4:7 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.)

This verse from Scripture succinctly defines the transformational process.  In terms of changing habits of Thought, Speech, and Action, the steps of transformation include:  

 

1. Submit your mind, heart, soul, and spirit to the leading of God.  Identify Right works by the leading of God.  Let your good works follow naturally from your love relationship with Him.  Live in His nature and way, and good and right works become your way.
2. Begin acting in the way of God instead of the old bad habit.  Identify the spirit that seduces your wrong actions, and resist the actions, and the spirit.  Eventually the new behavior will become a habit.  The old habit will wither and disappear from disuse.

 

Introduction:

 

God created the soul, mind, emotions, and spirit to reflect, perceive, process and act amidst the complex manifestations of life possibilities.  Ultimately the purpose of life is to experience the love relationship God He intended and desires.  The polarities of life allow perception; thus black and white, good and evil, work and rest, light and dark, are illuminated by the presence of their opposite.  Each moment of life requires finding the middle path, the point where we properly hold the opposing polarities.  Most of the problems we face in life are issues of improper balance.  The simplistic solution is to be positive, don’t worry, be happy.  But, if we avoid looking at the issues of life that bring up sadness, anger, and fear, we may be ignoring situations which can cause great harm.  Thus, while positivity, hopeful expectation, prayer, and faith are important polarities of life, they are ineffective if the problems of life are not seen, and acted upon rightly.  Knowledge and wisdom are required to navigate the pathways of life properly.  We develop skill, habits, and character as we learn to from the stresses, pain, and temptations of life.
 

James 2:20  But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith without works is dead?  
Hosea 4: 6  My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.

 

Thus, when we look to find the proper point of life in terms of positive and negative emotions and thoughts, we should always look first to God for the standard.  But what is God’s standard, and how do we find it?  We are to use all tools available; read the Bible, pray, seek the advice of elders, parents, and counselors, look at the signs of life, and feel your heart speak.  The outcome of faith and works may be to avert pain and problems, things may stay the same, or they may get worse.  

 

If we survive an episode of trials, we will continue to live and learn as life goes on.  In this life we may not see the justice, miracles, or mercy of God’s hand working in our lives.  Nevertheless, we must continue to work on appreciating the opportunity of being one of God’s creatures and serving Him as we live in His creation.  But if we die during a trial, we are certain of receiving justice and mercy according to our own submission to the Lordship of Christ.  The reward for our service of the kingdom of God will be appropriate and the entirety of the struggle will be counted as little cost compared to the gain.  

 

There are life skills that help make life work smoothly, but no skill or strategy works in all situations.  And, it’s impossible to develop all the skills and know all the strategies to deal with every possibility.  Life is far too complex to completely formularize its conduct.  Nevertheless, by studying, having options, and knowing some of the major paths that life takes, we can be prepared to hear the leading of the Holy Spirit speaking through the various vessels of life.  Having been sensitized, we may be warned of disaster, and steer our life toward calmer and more productive waters.  We may be led to charge the embattlements and fight insurmountable odds.  The possibilities of life are so diverse that we can never rest and say, “I know how to deal with life properly in all that comes my way.”  God has created a universe that is interesting, different, and new every day, and that is His gift to us.  Thus, hold the attitude of embrace and thankfulness for life each day.  Be in gratitude to God for creating a world that is constantly interesting, engaging, and meaningful.  The diversity and mystery of life is truly a miracle, and by holding this attitude, couples can be compassionate and allow each other the latitude to be different and appreciate the uniqueness of another soul.

 

The marital relationship typically has difficulties around issues of money, children, time, sex, recreation, friends, in laws, etc.  And being realistic, the solutions to most problems require one person giving more than the other in any given situation.  Thus, fairness is usually impossible at every moment.  Still, fairness should be integrated over time, and every couple should strive to keep the score of needs and personal satisfaction in a balance.

 

The issues that we can face are endless in their number and variety.  There is often no obvious solution in terms of blaming one person, declaring the other as wrong, choosing a solution that satisfies everyone equally, or reaching agreement about everything.  Rather, both parties in a marriage usually feel justified in acting as they did, and have reasons why life should move in their direction.  Examples of the conflicts we can face in marriage include:

1) Couples have different tastes in: decorating, food choices, healthcare, counseling, books, sports, physical activity, travel, sleep, climate, driving style, giving directions, asking for help, etc.  

2) Couples have different ideas of how to spend time, one desiring a lot of time talking, walking, and just being together; the other enjoying a limited amount of time together, and wanting to accomplish a life work in art, science, literature, or just enjoying the leisure of hobby, nature, or rest.  

3) Couples have different ideas on child rearing, with one wanting strong discipline, indoctrination in life skills, boundaries and consequences; and the other trusting that life has its own way of teaching lessons, and that giving them the freedom to learn and grow will be the most organic and productive method of raising creative and unafraid young people.  

4) Couples have different views of spiritual doctrine, scripture, prophesy, law, ritual, gifts, metaphors, and commandments.  Couples may disagree on the place of  literal legalism versus broad tolerance of spiritual metaphor; they may be disgusted at wrong doctrine vs. interested in new perspectives; they may be intolerant of even listening to heretical, liberal, and foolish reasoning vs. interested by new ideas and engaging in debate and discussion with those who hold wildly divergent perspectives.  

5) Couples may hold wildly divergent views on social policies with one advocating strong governmental intervention and enforcement of good behaviors, another advocating only a totally local citizen based enforcement of moral codes.

 

Other issues of conflict include:

· How to deal with: delinquent children, underachievers, social misfits, and rebels?  

· How to cope with: mental illness, past trauma, and personality disorders in a mate, child, in laws, and extended family?  

· How to respond to: health problems such as: chronic pain, accidents, chronic illness, deteriorating function, loss of mobility, hospitalization, debility requiring total care, and death?  

· How to respond to money issues such: as job loss, creditors, excessive spending, poverty, inheritance, and lawsuits?

· How to confront, cope with, and protect oneself against: abuse, affairs, and addiction?  

· How to confront irritating habits of: hygiene, housekeeping, remembering, listening, being interested, dominating conversations, sulking, angry outbursts, overwhelm, and denial?  

· How to deal with widely different sexual appetites arising from issues such as: erectile dysfunction, lack of interest, painful sex, fatigue, illness, and painful memories of abuse?

 

Marriages will confront disagreement about life philosophies, they will be faced with coping with painful life problems, and they will have divergent needs, both which must be satisfied.  The need to come to a mutual agreement is not just academic; a couple’s happiness depends on their ability to come to a peaceful resolution of their divergent tastes, interests, aversions, passions, wants and needs.  Each couple must come to a place of properly mixing the polarities of: giving and taking; work and rest; carrying the load, and being carried; meeting needs and having needs met; allowing divergent opinions and sharing common values; sharing time together and pursuing activities in time apart.  

 

An important perspective to hold these issues is that love and caring of the other person does not depend on having continual agreement, needs being met, or an easy life with no problems.  Common interests, agreement, and shared values easily produce feelings of bonding, safety, and comfort.  But, too much similarity can lead to boredom.  Too much difference can leads to a sense of conflict or distance.  But, one can choose to appreciate any level of difference and similarity by learning to live in appreciation of the other.  Life is God’s gift; our job is to appreciate it by living it with a proper spectrum of loving expression each day (i.e. giving, taking, fear, anger, sadness, and gladness).  Remember, I am not alone in this world because he/she has committed his/her life to walking together with me each day.  There is no greater gift than that a friend can give than to lay down his life for me.  (John 15:13)  In marrying me, he has laid down his life for me.  Appreciation and joy come as we live through all of the dramas of needs, situations, and philosophies in the context of that mutual gift of sacrificing and sharing life.